Sunday, March 2, 2014

ashes into beauty

Yesterday at church we had a woman's tea. While i am not a fan of tea i am a fan of the people so i am always blessed by going.
Yesterday a wonderful woman Theresa gave a little of her life story. She spoke  about Grace and refining and forgiveness.

At one point she gave out little stones. Saying they are all different. Some simple some ornate some smooth and and some jagged.

as the basket was passed around i watched people carefully pick out which stone they wanted i battled with if i was going to pick one or close my eyes and go for it. I know it sounds silly. Its a stone but its a big decision for this ocd perfectionist.

I decided to close my eyes and pick one.
I thought its a silly rock its not that big of a deal.
But when i pulled it out  of the basket it was like a light was turned on in my head.

I have always thought that before you do anything you have to do it perfectly. Which is probably why i quit a lot of things in my life. I make a mistake and give up. why do it if you are going to fail.  it probably stopped me from doing a lot of great things in my life. The fear of failure is crippling sometimes. Especially if its something that you really love to do.

Im not saying that i am going to go out for American idol or the voice bc i love to sing. Because come on i KNOW that i can't do that.

Over the years It has gotten worse and worse.  My loud obnoxious personality filling in for what people think is confidence. Using humor and tearing my imperfections apart to hide the things that I didn't like about myself.

Last year I was walking the track every morning at 6am  it was a beautiful time!! i can't wait until it is above 25 out so that i can start again COME ON SPRINGGGGG!
I would see the most beautiful skies. often this gray blue color from rain the night before turning into a bright pink or orange from the sun.  It was a special time.  Many times i was amazed at the beauty of this earth. what God has created so perfectly. Every little creature acting just the way it was supposed to.  birds chirping just at the right time and geese moving all together to find new food on the field.  It was a beautiful sight. (its amazing what you will notice when its quiet and nobody is asking for a cup or food)

multiple times in the quiet I could hear don't have to be perfect to come to me.
It has been something i have been thinking about for the last year.
It goes against fiber of who i am to do something even if i don't do it well.

So when i picked this little heart shaped  stone,  it showed me that again. This little stone isn't perfect.

some edges are beautiful and smooth and some are jagged and sharp. But because of those edges it forms a heart. I though about my own life and the years and days that i though the pain would never end. The days when i though that this battle would be the fight i would fight till i die. And then one day i am not fighting that battle anymore. That jagged edge was smoothed away.  I look at the still broken pieces and i think that each one is a battle or a hurt that will need to be smoothed away.  but without each part this little heart wouldn't be the shape it is.  Without each battle i fight or hurt i have had I wouldn't be the person i am. I will never be perfect it is a harsh reality that i have to face but it doesn't matter. The shape that i am and the person i am is beautiful. I am his own little stone that is being smoothed and hit by waves to create who he wanted me to be. Not who i think i should be.

Thank you Theresa  for being a little voice of God yesterday.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Is my house the only house that at around 7ish things start to turn into world war III???
I mean I see all these wonderful blog posts and instagram photos of these cute families doing cute family things. My house looks like a time bomb went off and my girls are screaming and chasing eachother. something always gets broken and i ALWAYS end up yelling. 
I feel as if the more I try to be calm and patient the more these little people take full advantage of my kindness and bring complete chaos. 
 then I end up going to bed upset and miserable with a pounding headache because all these other moms have all their s*** together and im a raging lunatic.

I know that i need to stop comparing myself to other mothers bc you dont know what is going on in that home. blah blah. but when you see such joy and you are feeling such crap you cant help but wonder if this is what life is going to be like forrrrrreeeevvvver.

I had these dreams of raising my girls in a gilmore like household. I being the loreli and my girls (especially jocelyn) being my rory.
I know its a tv show, but the dream was still there. I still think maybe one day my children will be my friends and they will want to come to me like they do. I see stories and know moms and daughters like this but it seems so far off. My brokenness seems to strong my disfunction outweighing any good i try to do
Tomorrow is a new day with new mercy and moments to ask for forgiveness. I get to try over. Man this mom thing is a tough gig.

PS: seriously ice cream man......830????

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

As I drink my coffee before the chaos of after school starts my heart aches.  My oldest is in third grade.  The same age as those sweet babies in Oklahoma.  Those sweet children who went to what they thought was a safe place. They got up and got ready for school like any other day.  Almost finished with the school year. Excited for summer vacations. Probably day dreaming outside about all the things they would do when they got home from school.
The moms or dads preparing for the after school chaos just like I am and then disaster hits. Something nobody could change or control. No gun control laws or political agendas could be blamed.  A person could be looked at to be angry with.  Parents couldn't be criticized for raising a bad person.  School officials couldn't be scolded for my having proper security.
No outlet for anger or sadness. I'm sure those things don't make losing a child any better or any easier. But when you feel like things are so out of yours or anyone else's control the frustration seems so much greater.
I watched the news for all of 5 minutes last night.  I was scrolling through Facebook and saw all these people praying for Oklahoma.  I hadn't heard anything bc I was complaining that my child wouldn't nap or that my girls wouldn't stop fighting.  While I was complaining about the mundane annoyances of being a mom another mom was praying that a miracle would happen. That they would find that son or daughter.  While I was wishing to be alone moms were sobbing and praying that they could hear the voice of their child.
I wept while watching the news reporter talk to people.  He was teary eyes and somber.  Visibly shaken and upset.  I was immediately confronted by my selfishness.  My awful forgetfulness about how blessed I am to have my sweet girls.  How I need to cherish all these moments.  I will not live in fear of a disaster or of sickness but I will be more aware of the specialness of my job.  The great responsibility that God has given me to take care of these girls.
So today I will hug my girls more. I all kiss them more. I will be slower to anger.
My heart breaks and my prayers go out to God for these families

Thursday, March 28, 2013



For one moment do you think it might be possible to go back to when my sweet Jocelyn was a baby? Or maybe 2? She was so very sweet. It was just me and her. (and dad too) 
Just to have that little snuggle from her. To have her sing you are my sunshine on my shoulder. To hear her little voice. Gosh I would cherish it so much more i promise. I would play more and sit with her more. I would read and color more. I wouldn't yell or get angry I PROMISE!! PLEASE??

I know it cant happen. I know that i will never get that time back. But for a moment i can close my eyes and breathe in and smell that smell. I can hear her voice. The memories flash in my mind like they just happen. LORD PLEASE PLEASE dont let me forget. 


Thursday, February 28, 2013

sticks and stones....and a photo dump

God help me I would never ever want to be a teenager again. You really couldn't pay me enough to ever go back to high school. Really any school age.  I hated it. I was never cool enough or pretty enough or skinny enough.  I never knew the words to cool songs or saw the new movies.

Oh and girls were mean.  Holy cow they are awful. When I look back it wasn't the things I didn't have or the way I looked that I have the scars from, it's the words.  The awful words that cut straight to your soul. I know it sounds  dramatic. It's the truth when someone says something sometimes it cuts deep.  Sometimes those words are worse than the sticks and stones.  (I'm thinking  a man wrote that saying know the sticks and stones one. BC any woman knows words WILLLLL hurt you)

When I had my first girl my heart broke a little.  I knew that one day she would go to school and people would be mean and it would break her little soul. It would change her. Part of her would be tarnished.  I knowwwwww I can't protect her forever. But COME ONNNN.  What are these little girls hearing at home that try need to be so very evil. I see it in her eyes. Those pretty black eyes that have a sparkle. Even though she won't say it I know it hurts.  She is like me in that way. She pretends she is strong and that she is immune. But really it hurts her.
The good thing she is also very much like Alan. She is strong and confident. She knows what she likes and doesn't like. She is by nature a kind kind girl. She includes people and loves deeply. She is loyal to a fault.

I look back at the things my mom said to me and I wish that they would have helped when i was young. I mean come on they make total sense now. But dont we all sometimes have to figure it out on our own?

You know like really how many of the people who you thought you would be best friends with FOREVER are you really friends with 10 years later?
Or When you have your first heart break that it will mend and you will find someone better.
(i am PETRIFIED for the first boy heart break)

I have so many things I wish that my girls would just hold on to. Really listen to.
I want them to know that they are cherished. That they are blessings and nobody can ever change that. I want them to know that self worth does not come from a man or a friend or the way you look. And the more you try to find it in those places the more you loose yourself.
I want them to be kind always. To befriend the outsider. To take pride in school and do the best that they can because when you try your best it is good enough. You dont have to be the best at everything.
I want them to know that they cant do everything they put their minds to because not everyone is supposed to be an astronaut or an actor.And that is ok. Dont think you are a failure.  But what ever they are called to do they will be equipped and able to do.
I want them to love God. To hear him clearly and never doubt that the plan that he has is the perfect one. NOt the easiest but the best one.
I want them to know that they are wanted.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Oh happy day

Dear January,

You come every year with high hopes of new beginnings and all these good things. When in reality you are depressing and gray and boring.  The holidays are over the decorations are gone school has started again! The little bit of snow you bring is nice but actually very annoying. It's isn't enough to really play in or make a snowman or snow angels. It's really just white rain all over the place.
And seriously can you pick a temperature you would like to be?? If you are going to be a winter month then be a winter month. Stop teasing us with this warm weather!
Ohhhh and the sickness you bring with you I can definitely live without!!!! Come on!!! I really don't need another trip to the doctor or to the store to stock up on ginger ale and saltines.

You would think for being such an amazingly depressing month you would be shorter. But nooooo you are one of the longer ones.  31 days of you!

So January I am very glad to see you go! I am happy that all 31 days of you are in the past. Maybe next year you could be a little nicer to us. Please!

February please be kind....

Love never....

Friday, February 1, 2013

Memories like the corner of.......myspace??

Im in one of those moods. Those contemplative moods. Its been a few days now that all I can think about is how fast time is going. 
I feel like this whole mom/wife journey just began. but no its been 10 years of being married and 9  years of being a mom! 
I am now fully aware that I am in a new chapter/season of life. The one where you are just raising your kids. No new babies no weddings no more first birthdays. It makes me a little sad. 
I was looking around on myspace! Yes its still around. really only for musicians. I cannot believe how old i am. lol

Isn't it crazy that peoples lives are now documented for everyone, anywhere to see?? Kind of weirds me out. 
I have also been thinking of what i wish my children knew right now in this moment. I mean when they look back at being the ages they are 9,6,2 what do i want them to know about themselves. 

I saw on another blog right here that she takes photos of her children once a week. to kind of document the age and what is happening bc lets be honest they CAN change from week to week.

I don't have any photos from this week ( dont worry they will be up soon) so i figured i would start off by telling them a little know when they are old enough to read this and see how crazy mommy really is....

Jocelyn you are  9 or 3334 days old. And  you would totally appreciate knowing how many days old you are. You are a beautiful and smart almost tween. A little bit of a bossy pants but that comes with first bornhood (yup i made it a word) this week you got your tooth pulled. It was gigantic! Daddy went with you because I was home sick. He said you were a trooper. Oh man the things I could write about you. You are wonderful. and I love you to the moon.

Callie Faye you are 6 or 2292 days old. You my little one are an attention monger. You will do anything and everything for attention. Freaks me out ....A LOT!  You are a character and have a fullllll onnnn NY accent that is amazing.  This week you have been super needy in the attention department. We have all been sick but you so the lack of attention is getting to you.  You have been incredibly compassionate while we are all sick and You amaze me my little ham and cheese  i love you bunches.

OHHHH CHARLIE ROSE.  you my friend are 2 1/2  or 907 days old. You are a reckless little bug. Into everything. Funny as heck but oh man are you feisty.  This week you have gotten into nail polish...AGAIN colored on the wall....AGAIN cleaned your stuffed animal in the sink...that is a first and cleaned the toilet by yourself.  where am i you ask?? gone for 30 seconds out of the room!! 
You also are going on your new dora potty by yourself and you are so incredibly proud of yourself. 
You make our little family complete charlie bug...I love you my baby!