Sunday, March 2, 2014

ashes into beauty

Yesterday at church we had a woman's tea. While i am not a fan of tea i am a fan of the people so i am always blessed by going.
Yesterday a wonderful woman Theresa gave a little of her life story. She spoke  about Grace and refining and forgiveness.

At one point she gave out little stones. Saying they are all different. Some simple some ornate some smooth and and some jagged.

as the basket was passed around i watched people carefully pick out which stone they wanted i battled with if i was going to pick one or close my eyes and go for it. I know it sounds silly. Its a stone but its a big decision for this ocd perfectionist.

I decided to close my eyes and pick one.
I thought its a silly rock its not that big of a deal.
But when i pulled it out  of the basket it was like a light was turned on in my head.

I have always thought that before you do anything you have to do it perfectly. Which is probably why i quit a lot of things in my life. I make a mistake and give up. why do it if you are going to fail.  it probably stopped me from doing a lot of great things in my life. The fear of failure is crippling sometimes. Especially if its something that you really love to do.

Im not saying that i am going to go out for American idol or the voice bc i love to sing. Because come on i KNOW that i can't do that.

Over the years It has gotten worse and worse.  My loud obnoxious personality filling in for what people think is confidence. Using humor and tearing my imperfections apart to hide the things that I didn't like about myself.

Last year I was walking the track every morning at 6am  it was a beautiful time!! i can't wait until it is above 25 out so that i can start again COME ON SPRINGGGGG!
I would see the most beautiful skies. often this gray blue color from rain the night before turning into a bright pink or orange from the sun.  It was a special time.  Many times i was amazed at the beauty of this earth. what God has created so perfectly. Every little creature acting just the way it was supposed to.  birds chirping just at the right time and geese moving all together to find new food on the field.  It was a beautiful sight. (its amazing what you will notice when its quiet and nobody is asking for a cup or food)

multiple times in the quiet I could hear don't have to be perfect to come to me.
It has been something i have been thinking about for the last year.
It goes against fiber of who i am to do something even if i don't do it well.

So when i picked this little heart shaped  stone,  it showed me that again. This little stone isn't perfect.

some edges are beautiful and smooth and some are jagged and sharp. But because of those edges it forms a heart. I though about my own life and the years and days that i though the pain would never end. The days when i though that this battle would be the fight i would fight till i die. And then one day i am not fighting that battle anymore. That jagged edge was smoothed away.  I look at the still broken pieces and i think that each one is a battle or a hurt that will need to be smoothed away.  but without each part this little heart wouldn't be the shape it is.  Without each battle i fight or hurt i have had I wouldn't be the person i am. I will never be perfect it is a harsh reality that i have to face but it doesn't matter. The shape that i am and the person i am is beautiful. I am his own little stone that is being smoothed and hit by waves to create who he wanted me to be. Not who i think i should be.

Thank you Theresa  for being a little voice of God yesterday.

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